My pen name is Neil L. Adder

(The pages above will be added soon)

March Madness Post

There was no way I was going to make it out unscathed,

I lose focus so often that whenever I try to have a conversation the other person seems to wander even farther than my mind,

I feel like my speech is so broken that people ignore me and put me in the attic like an old lamp that’s lost its glow,

Life keeps surprising me that’s true,

But it still feels so mundane and yet,

It is so unbearably terrifying at the same time,

I never feel astonished,

But I can try.

–

Whenever I find a new reason to smile,

That same reason that I find,

The reason gets so warped and twisted and beaten,

Shattered into a hundred different reasons to cry,

I find a friend,

We spend hours sending paragraphs to each other,

We talk each minute that we can,

Then something changes,

They walked away,

They seemed to run from me like I have a disease,

Like they realized I was a waste of time.

–

I try to talk to people,

I try to say what’s on my mind,

And I try to listen at the same time,

But it’s so difficult,

It is so, so, deafening to be heard,

When everyone else is screaming,

The world is so loud,

Everyone’s thoughts are so loud,

It feels louder than the sun is bright,

I just want my thoughts to stop screaming at me to die,

Because I don’t want to die,

I want to help others,

Because I can hear them screaming next to me.

–

I don’t want to run anymore,

But I have to,

The ocean is close behind,

Swimming is hard to do when you don’t even know how to float.

I am trying to keep trying.